If We Could Only Live at Downton

Flywheel Society Assignment #5: If there was one thing I could change…

I’m not ashamed to admit I am a British drama junkie.  Give me an English accent, a great love story, and tea with scones and I will feel better on any dreary day.  In college, while on my quest to figure out what in the world I would do with my life, I was surprised to realize I could actually earn a degree by reading and writing about great books.  Once I found myself crying while reading Homer’s Iliad, I quickly declared a major - English Literature!

On one of my first trips overseas, I had a layover in London.  I spent a rainy morning navigating the London “tube” and buses to get to the Tate Art Gallery to see William Blake’s Songs of Innocence illustrations and one of my favorites – John William Waterhouse’ painting of The Lady of Shallott.  It was glorious and almost felt like an accomplishment for a small town girl whose travels had only taken me as far as Kansas.  I ended up spending a few summers in London and saw as many plays, paintings, sculptures, architecture my tiny budget would allow.  But I digress…

One reason I love to read Jane Austen or watch a show like Downton Abbey is because it takes me to a beautiful place at a different time.  Sure they had war, disease, people were marginalized, and of course a lack of basic hygiene but lets just focus on the romantic aspects shall we?  At times I can get so wrapped up in it that I wish I had been born at a different time and especially that I would be raising my children at a different time.  A time where values were more clearly defined and innocence and purity were upheld virtues.  A time where life seemed slower and developing relationships seemed easier and more natural.

As a mother, I feel overwhelmed by just the daily tasks of raising children, working part-time and keeping a functional household.  There never seems to be enough time in the day.  I long for less traffic, shorter to-do lists and more time to just enjoy my kids and invest in relationships.  I especially hate being so far from family and only seeing them a few times a year.  We are so busy with work, activities, and I worry life will go by too quickly.  My son just turned 4 and I already get teary thinking of him going off to kindergarten.  Although I know my boys must grow up…my heart aches to think of their childhoods going by too quickly. 

I am also burdened to raise them in a society with incredible easy access to things like pornography and violence through such a small device like a cell phone. I cringe even at commercials and pray that our boys will defy statistics and their age of innocence will last longer than most.  So its not surprising that I look forward to Sunday nights when my beloved Crawley family comes to life on my television screen and swoops me away to a slower more innocent time in England. 

Even though my little addiction doesn’t seem too damaging, the temptation to escape the realities of our time and place in which we live is not necessarily a healthy one.   A friend and fabulous writer, Kate Harris, has challenged me in her writings about the idea of living with “constraints”…constraints of life, motherhood, relationships, time and place.  The most profound thing that I’ve taken from her is that these constraints are not just for us but were also true for Jesus, God Incarnate. She writes,

“In the Incarnation God shows us practically and tangibly that, like His incarnate self, we too are constrained by flesh as fertility concerns, children’s health concerns, ailing parents, and so forth readily remind us. Likewise, our incarnate God lived in a particular moment in history, “…when Quirinius was governor of Syria.” And this is a fact that brings comfort as we seek to navigate the challenges and opportunities of our own particular time, be it women’s increased access to education, advanced technology, ease of travel, or countless other variables.

In Christ, the God-man, we see the finitude of time and acknowledge that we too have to live out the fullness of our calling in the ordinariness of passing days as a carpenter, or student, or mother, or what have you…. And finally, the Incarnation bids us to remember that just as Bethlehem was a particular city with particular significance, and we likewise live our lives in the confines of a particular place.” - Constraint and Consent, Career and Motherhood

I must accept and surrender to my life in a fast-paced-traffic-bound Washington, D.C. suburb at a time where morals are increasingly based on personal preference rather than an absolute.  I must accept that I am in a season of life where laundry and to-do lists are endless and that it takes real effort to rid myself of the many distractions to slow down and focus more on relationships.  As I enjoy the stories of those long ago in picturesque England, I can be thankful that a God who experienced constraints of life, relationships, time and place has carefully ordained mine. 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

A Rugged Road Through Childbirth

Flywheel Society: Assignment #4 Fiction

PHOTO: Joni Kabana

The rural Ethiopian countryside holds some of the most beautiful views rich with rolling hills, green acacia trees and traditional tukil huts with thatched roofs. Amara lived in the countryside and her story was full of both hope and pain.  Her name meant “unfading, eternal” and she had an unfading beauty about her.  She had brown eyes, braids in her hair, and a bright smile.  Every day, she spent hours carrying large jars of water back and forth from the well.  Her constant heavy load contributed to her petite frame. 

Amara was only 15 when it was decided for her to marry.  She knew this day was coming but it seemed to come too soon.  In so many ways she still felt like a girl and not quite ready to be a woman with the responsibilities of a wife and mother. But the decision had been made and she was to marry.  Soon after her wedding day, Amara became pregnant and she was full of anticipation to have her first baby.  When it came time to give birth, she was anxious and only had her mother and two sisters to comfort her.  Even though it was rarely talked about she knew there were dangers surrounding childbirth and she prayed, “God give me a healthy baby and that I can be strong during the delivery.” She lived way up in the mountains and a ride to the closest town was a long bus ride away.

She had labored for hours and felt like it was time to push.  It was in the middle of the night and Amara knew if something was wrong there would be no one to help until dawn.  She kept pushing and pushing but nothing was happening.  Her body felt almost numb from the pain and exhaustion.  When morning came she knew something wasn’t right and her sister ran to find someone in the village to help.  It was clear her only hope was to get down from the mountain to a small clinic.  Amara described her long grueling trip; “I finally made it to the bus which was over flowing with people.  It was hot and stuffy and I felt like I couldn’t breath.  As we made our way down the mountain, the pain became excruciating with every bounce along with rough road. The pressure was so intense and the pain almost made me black out.”  Her journey was overwhelming and felt like it would never end. 

When she finally made it to the clinic there were only two women to attend her and thankfully one was a trained birth attendant.  With sweat and tears soaking her face, she thought, “What is wrong? What is happening to me and my baby?”  When it was finally over her body exhausted from the pushing and the pain, they handed her a lifeless baby.  She looked and it was a boy.  He had a head full of dark hair and a tiny little nose.  Amara cried, “My heart was aching and I wondered if this was a curse from God?”  She was told that her body was just too small to deliver a full term baby and he had died from all the pressure from long hours of labor and pushing. 

            “What will this mean for my family…will I ever be able to have children?” Amara thought. She worried how her family and especially her husband would receive her if she couldn’t have children.  She had heard of those barren women who never bore children and she wondered if she would be one of them.  There were no immediate answers but she returned back to her village with the hope that one day there would be more babies to come. 

 

PHOTO: Joni Kabana

Ethiopia is a captivating country rich in culture and beauty yet like many developing countries, they are still lacking in essential things like access to quality health care and adequate roads to get to them.  In Ethiopia, one in five girls marry before the age of 15.  Each year, 20,000 women die in childbirth and 77 babies out of 1,000 live births don’t survive.  In addition, only 6% of women give birth with a skilled health professional.  Giving birth can be a frightening experience for any woman but in a country with very few health care centers and even scarcer doctors to go around the hope for an easy delivery becomes more of desperation than just a wish. 

Proximate Forgiveness

          Flywheel Assignment #3: Honesty
I would consider myself a pretty forgiving and gracious person.  But recently I have been bombarded with the idea of forgiveness.  In a class at church, in a book I’ve been reading, in a conference I attended…forgiveness keeps coming up.  In the book, it asked you to make of list of those who have hurt and offended you, how they did so and whether you have forgiven them.  I easily made my list but as I was going through asking myself if I had forgiven them I couldn’t honestly say that I had.  Maybe I had let go in some small degree but overall I still felt hurt, disappointed and even angry at the memory of what happened or at the person who had hurt me.

Recently, I was in a situation where someone close had hurt me and I am sure they had been hurt by me as well.  In the conversation they said, “I know I need to make apologies and there will eventually be a time and a place for them.”  It was all I could do to say, “Oh let me get you started!”  I had a list a mile long! In situations where I am hurt I really want a complete apology.  I want that person to address what they did, how it affected me and how utterly sorry they are. But in reality this doesn’t always happen…so what do I do with that?  What do I do with those things that are left unsaid, unaddressed, forgotten or overlooked?

I wish I could say that I love those around me unconditionally and live in a place of grace. But I am in process of this and a lot of the time I harbor my bitterness, my resentment, my disappointment.  I hold on to it; I stroke it by thinking about these things over and over; I nurse it rather than let it go.  AND I don’t want to let it go until I get a proper complete apology.  In one of the classes I attended recently, he talked about looking at the log in your own eye.  I meditated on this and told my husband Brian a few days later that when I think of certain situations of when I’ve been wronged I can’t really think of a log in my own eye.  He chuckled.  And said very sweetly “Would you mind if I pointed one out to you?”  We kind of laughed but I still couldn’t imagine what he would tell me.  He went on to say that I really want to write them off.   It’s so true.  When I am really wallowing in the hurt or the disappointment of the past or present…I really don’t want to take their calls. I don’t want to face them and want to avoid them when we are together.

A few things that have really helped me through this forgiveness journey are Steve Garber and his teaching on “proximate justice.”  He writes, “Proximate justice realizes that something is better than nothing. It allows us to make peace with some justice, some mercy, all the while realizing that it will only be in the new heaven and new earth that we find all our longings finally fulfilled, that we will see all of God’s demands finally met.” 

I sometimes only want to accept all or nothing.  I want a full recognition of what happened and a good emotional “I’m so sorry.” I want a complete change when there is that possibility that things may stay the same or even get worse…that there may be more experiences of hurt and disappointment.   I am tempted in my relationships to walk away not looking more deeply at my own heart of sinfulness and writing them off.  I lose hope for something better and I become disappointed and discouraged.

It seems funny to make such an obvious statement but Jesus was the best example of forgiveness. When he was agonizing in the garden he asked his disciples, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here and watch with me.” Only to return to see that they had fallen asleep and not just once but again they fell asleep after his begging them to stay awake and pray with him.  If it would’ve been me I would have written them off and said “you guys are worthless! Did you hear me say I was sorrowful to the point of DEATH?!” and yet you still sleep?!  Forget it! I’m done!”  But Jesus in his mercy said, “Rise and let US go.”  He didn’t send them away, he didn’t write them off…he took them with him.  And even in his agony on the cross he yelled out “Father forgive them!”

What a hard example to follow in the moment and the moments that follow when we are injured…when things don’t turn out like we hoped.  Another quote from Steve “It is the work of repairing the ruins...hoping for the renewal of all things, even as I know that at my best I am a pilgrim in the ruins.”  I am learning to walk and live in forgiveness…being willing to see and take the plank out of my own eye…to get my hands dirty in the mess of “repairing the ruins” and forgive those around me.   

Steve goes on to say, “If that can be true of me, of you, then we will have made peace with the doing of proximate justice.  And this is not a small thing for people who yearn for the whole cosmos to be made right, and who know that someday it will be.”